In my last post, I mentioned that the reason I hadn't been posting much lately was due to our family providing foster care for a baby girl starting in May. She is still with us and has become like a member of the family. We all just adore her so much. She's one of those babies who people instantly fall in love with. She has a huge smile that lights up her whole face, she LOVES to interact with people, and is as smart as a whip.
We've known since July that she would be leaving us "soon" to live with a relative who also has adopted some of her older siblings. At that point, while we knew we would miss her dearly, we understood that this would be best for her. However, she is now nine months old and we are the only family she knows. The thought of her leaving and experiencing the trauma of being removed from the family she has bonded with is gut wrenching to say the least.
To think of "our" baby girl being taken across time zones to be with strangers makes my stomach hurt. Knowing that she would know that everything has changed, but not being able to understand what or why, makes me overwhelmingly sad. But, it also is also hard to think of her possibly not knowing her biological siblings as she grows up, or possibly resenting us when she's older that she isn't with "her own family", or that she would have issues growing up in a family that looks different from her on the outside.
The thing is, there is no good option for our baby girl. Either she will be traumatized by having to leave the family she's bonded with, or she will have to deal with being with people who aren't biologically related to her, people who don't look like her.
Right now, it appears that there really isn't much choice. The plan is that she'll go with relatives. We have just been waiting for the "paper work to get done." Which, I can say as a foster/adoptive parent and as a former foster care case worker, is no small thing.
And the longer we wait, the more I find my self thinking how very, very much I DO NOT want to do this. How there is no part of me at all that wants to go through seeing her leave, or that is ready to help my kids go through that kind of loss. (There aren't words to convey how much the older kids love her.) I just keep thinking " I REALLY don't want to do this!!!"
As I thought this and prayed the other night "God, isn't there any way that we don't have to do this? Can't she just stay? This is so unfair!", I was struck at how my prayer echoed Jesus' prayer in the Garden of Gethsemane. "Father let this cup pass from me." He knew what was coming, and it was something so much more unfair that what our family is facing. He knew that in a few short hours, the wrath of God for all of humanity would be poured out on Him - after he had come to earth and lived the perfect life that we couldn't live. That is the absolute definition of unfairness. And He didn't want to do it, either. He was dreading it so much that he sweat drops of blood.
And yet, His next words are, "Not not my will, but Yours be done." Oh, how those words make my stomach hurt!! I find myself wanting to be able to also say those words, but having the internal battle of just wanting MY will to be done.
I don't find comfort in this moment with thoughts of "God knows best" and "His ways are higher than ours." I believe these things - I know they are true. But in these moments, those truths feel too abrasive and my human nature bristles at them and refuses to take comfort.
When I think of Jesus, alone in the garden, dreading what was coming - that is where I find my comfort. In knowing that he understands fully and completely what it means to live in an unfair world where unfair things happen. He was in the thick of it and lived through the worst of it. He knows how I feel, and He sent the Holy Spirit to be with me and comfort me.
I still don't want do go through this, and if there was a way not to - I would do it. Taking comfort in the companionship of Christ does not mean that I'm okay with how things are going to happen - it just means that I know I am not alone, that I am understood. I am glad for that.
This has been so painful to write about.... I've started and stopped several times over the course of several days. I wondered if I should even post it. But I know that no human experience is unique - that there are others who have also gone through these things, or who will go through them. None of us are immune to the painful parts of life, and I want my experience and the comfort I find in my Savior to be an encouragement to others.
If you think of it, you can keep my family in your prayers as we don't know what the next weeks and months hold for us.
Until next time, my friends..... Live well.
Becky
Becky, so well written! Thank you for sharing!
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