Freak out, therapist style

So, my family and I had this really nice long weekend camping.

We got back to the house and Andy asked me, "So, are you glad to be back?".  My response was "Eh...".

It was nice to be home, but my eyes were immediately drawn to the mess.  My mind went to all the things to do to prepare for the first day of school the next day.  I tried to cheer myself up with the thought, "The kids will be in school and we'll catch up with things around the house."  

But then I thought, "Who am I kidding?  No we won't.  School will start and then we'll still have all the house work to do, plus homework calendars, spelling lists, reading logs, permission slips, newsletters. emails from teachers, pajama day, crazy hair day, wear-that-one-specific-school-shirt-that's-at-the-bottom-of-the-drawer-day..."   I was not feeling great.

My wonderful husband, Andy, went downstairs to fold laundry - horray!  (I love that he does this job because it's always been one of my least favorites.)  I worked on managing baths and cleaning the kitchen.  Midway through I had the panicked thought that I still had a tote of clothes in the laundry room that I had been planning to take to the second hand store to earn some extra money.  I called down to Andy to see if he still had it.  He said I could check, but it looked like he had put it all away with everything else.

I checked - no tote.  My first thought was of the wasted time.  Because my life is a combination of working full time and 5 kids, I don't have a lot of time for anything more than the essentials.  So, any "project" I have often takes several days to complete.  Having the kids try on clothes to see what fit, sorting through what got donated and what I could sell, washing the stuff to sell - may not seem like a big deal, but it took me almost a week to get it done.  All those moments wasted.

My second thought was, "Now all those clothes that are too small are back on the kids' shelves, which means they can pick them out to wear to school, which means I'll have to pay extra attention to what they're wearing to make sure they look decent when they go to school".

That's when the tears started and I thought, "I can't do this.  I just can't."

I went back upstairs and went to my tried and true "Well what can I do? Let's do that." mindset.  I had a picture frame with a hanging hook I'd gotten for a gift a while back and hadn't known what to do with.  I decided now that this would be the perfect thing to use for our dog's leash.  I could hang it right by the door, it'll look nice, and we'll always know where the leash is.  I went to my closet to get it.  No picture frame with the handy hook.  I wasn't sure if I'd moved it, or someone else - it didn't matter, I couldn't find it.  I sat on my bedroom floor and cried.  I cried for a good 20 minutes or more.  I kept thinking "It doesn't matter what I do - how hard I try to keep track of things, how much I try to keep things organized and clean - it all just falls apart anyway.  It doesn't matter what I do."

Okay - so I'm a therapist (I promise this is going somewhere).  One of the things I often talk about with my clients is that in life, there are only four choices to any problem. (Thank you, Marsha Linehan!)
1. Solve the problem
2. Change how you feel about the problem
3. Tolerate the problem effectively
4. Live in misery

So as I sat, living in misery, I realized that I've been trying choice number 1 over and over again for years.  And the thought occurred to me that maybe this problem could not be solved.  Maybe these are just the facts of my life at the moment.  My first instinct was to just give up.  "I'll do the basics - keep the kids clothed and fed, but no more than that."  I didn't feel great about this decision, but it was all I had the energy to think of at the time.

Since I had at least decided to continue to feed my children, and it was time to make dinner, I got up to start cooking.  Andy came into the kitchen and asked if I was okay.  I wanted to say I was fine, but really couldn't honestly say it.  I said no and started crying all over again.  As I sobbed into his shoulder I explained how I feel like I'm being buried in an avelanche and I'm digging as fast as I can, but I can dig out three feet of snow, but while I dug those three feet, five more feet of snow have fallen on top of me, so I'm still further behind than when I started.

He suggested that I take some time away for the evening, so I did get out of the house for a while to clear my head and hopefully relax.  As I drove, I realized that, while this was okay - it's choice number 3, tolerating the problem through healthy distraction - it's a temporary fix.  It would not last because it only distracted me, but when I got back home, everything would still be the same.  I realized that I needed to work on choice number 2 - change how I feel about the problem - because I couldn't solve it (the facts of my life at this moment mean this is how it's going to be), and I can't just run away from it because then I'd never be home (and I really do enjoy spending time with my family).

So, how to I change how I feel it?

Again - I put on my therapist hat and asked myself what I would tell a client to do.  Want to change how you feel?  Act opposite to how you feel and let your brain do the work of changing itself.  So, opposite action seems like a good place to start for me, too.  What's my opposite action?  Outing myself and the mess that surrounds me - because this is how I challenge the pride that would want me to keep this a secret and keep pretending like I can work full time, have 5 kids, help out at church, have a clean house, and keep my sanity all at the same time.

I can't.  I just can't.

My stomach hurts to think of exposing myself this way.  I think of people who might read this and I imagine their judgments and even their pity.  These are not things I enjoy.  But then, I also think of the work of Brene Brown and how I refer clients to her work on shame and vulnerability and I know that this exposure is exactly how I begin to feel differently about the things in my life that feel overwhelming.  There could be some people that have judgments or pity, but it's more likely that there will be people who just think "Yep - me too!".  So, I will act opposite to pretending like I can do it all and boldly say "No, I can't.  I just can't."

So, here I go - jumping in all the way. Pictures of my house - not company ready, not picture perfect, but lived in and real.

There!  I did it! (Well, not yet really, because I still haven't hit the "post" button yet.) But there it is. 

I also want to share this because I love the work of Kristen Neff.  Her ideas of self compassion ring so true for me and I often (almost daily) refer people to her work as well.  I am reminded of her principal that the one common experience of humanity is suffering.  I know that this is true - I may not be ancient and wise yet, but I've been around long enough and listened to enough people to know that this is true.  I know that, when we are suffering, we are the most connected with the rest of humanity.  To suffer is to be human.  So, I share this to be connected to all the other amazing humans out there who have their own daily struggles and sufferings and to know that none of us are alone.

The other belief that my opposite action forces me to face (and this is probably the biggest) is that my value and worth are based on what I do.  (This has to be like the 10,000th time I've had to be reminded of this in my life.)  I know that this is not true, but then I respond to my inability like it is true.  Somehow, my inability means that I am "less than".  It goes back to the pride that makes me want people to think that I can do it all.

I can't.  I just can't.

And that's okay.

Because my worth is not based on what I do, how clean my house is, or whether or not my kids have clothes that are now too small for them thrown in with all the clothes that actually fit.  These things are not what give me value.  My worth is based on the fact that I was fearfully and wonderfully made by a loving Creator who paid the ultimate price to do what I could not.  I am valuable because He made me and loves me. 

And that's not something I can undo with a messy house or a chaotic life.

I can't.  I just can't.

Until next time, my friends... live well

God's comfort in the unfairness of foster care

In my last post, I mentioned that the reason I hadn't been posting much lately was due to our family providing foster care for a baby girl starting in May.  She is still with us and has become like a member of the family.  We all just adore her so much.  She's one of those babies who people instantly fall in love with.  She has a huge smile that lights up her whole face, she LOVES to interact with people, and is as smart as a whip.

We've known since July that she would be leaving us "soon" to live with a relative who also has adopted some of her older siblings.  At that point, while we knew we would miss her dearly, we understood that this would be best for her.  However, she is now nine months old and we are the only family she knows.  The thought of her leaving and experiencing the trauma of being removed from the family she has bonded with is gut wrenching to say the least.

To think of "our" baby girl being taken across time zones to be with strangers makes my stomach hurt.  Knowing that she would know that everything has changed, but not being able to understand what or why, makes me overwhelmingly sad.  But, it also is also hard to think of her possibly not knowing her biological siblings as she grows up, or possibly resenting us when she's older that she isn't with "her own family", or that she would have issues growing up in a family that looks different from her on the outside.

The thing is, there is no good option for our baby girl.  Either she will be traumatized by having to leave the family she's bonded with, or she will have to deal with being with people who aren't biologically related to her, people who don't look like her. 

Right now, it appears that there really isn't much choice.  The plan is that she'll go with relatives.  We have just been waiting for the "paper work to get done."  Which, I can say as a foster/adoptive parent and as a former foster care case worker, is no small thing.

And the longer we wait, the more I find my self thinking how very, very much I DO NOT want to do this.  How there is no part of me at all that wants to go through seeing her leave, or that is ready to help my kids go through that kind of loss.  (There aren't words to convey how much the older kids love her.)  I just keep thinking " I REALLY don't want to do this!!!"

As I thought this and prayed the other night "God, isn't there any way that we don't have to do this?  Can't she just stay?  This is so unfair!", I was struck at how my prayer echoed Jesus' prayer in the Garden of Gethsemane.   "Father let this cup pass from me."  He knew what was coming, and it was something so much more unfair that what our family is facing.  He knew that in a few short hours, the wrath of God for all of humanity would be poured out on Him - after he had come to earth and lived the perfect life that we couldn't live.  That is the absolute definition of unfairness.  And He didn't want to do it, either.  He was dreading it so much that he sweat drops of blood.

And yet, His next words are, "Not not my will, but Yours be done."  Oh, how those words make my stomach hurt!!  I find myself wanting to be able to also say those words, but having the internal battle of just wanting MY will to be done.

I don't find comfort in this moment with thoughts of "God knows best" and "His ways are higher than ours."  I believe these things - I know they are true.  But in these moments, those truths feel too abrasive and my human nature bristles at them and refuses to take comfort.

When I think of Jesus, alone in the garden, dreading what was coming - that is where I find my comfort.  In knowing that he understands fully and completely what it means to live in an  unfair world where unfair things happen.  He was in the thick of it and lived through the worst of it.  He knows how I feel, and He sent the Holy Spirit to be with me and comfort me.

I still don't want do go through this, and if there was a way not to - I would do it.  Taking comfort in the companionship of Christ does not mean that I'm okay with how things are going to happen - it just means that I  know I am not alone, that I am  understood.  I am glad for that.

This has been so painful to write about....  I've started and stopped several times over the course of several days.  I wondered if I should even post it.  But I know that no human experience is unique - that there are others who have also gone through these things, or who will go through them.  None of us are immune to the painful parts of life, and I want my experience and the comfort I find in my Savior to be an encouragement to others.

If you think of it, you can keep my family in your prayers as we don't know what the next weeks and months hold for us.

Until next time, my friends..... Live well.
Becky

Autism and Trusting God

It's been a while since I posted.  The addition of kid #5 this summer has taken up most of any down time I used to have.  Even now, she's on my lap - drooling on the keyboard and trying to grab my hands while I type.  She's barely napped today - why isn't she tired?  I am.  Anyway - that's why I haven't posted lately.  But, I felt like this was important, so I forced myself to make time for it.  Hopefully, I'll be back to regular posts eventually. :)

I recently shared with my church the experience that our family went through a few years ago when our oldest son was diagnosed with Autism.  Afterward, several people said that they were encouraged by hearing my experience.  So, I thought I would share it here, too.  If it can be an encouragement to someone else, then great.  I trust that God will use it as He wants to.

Here it goes....

At age 3 1/2, our oldest son, Cade, was diagnosed with Autism.  My response at first was generally matter of fact. “Okay, let’s learn how to live with this.”  Not long after, Nathan (my pastor) preached a sermon on 2 Corinthians 12:1-10, where Paul describes pleading with the Lord to take away the thorn in his side. One of the things Nathan pointed out in that sermon was that God had given Paul the thorn in order to keep him from being conceited – that whatever the thorn was, was not as bad as what would have happened without it.  Nathan said that, sometimes there are thorns in our lives that are painful, but better for us than life without that pain.  I remember thinking, “Really?! Are you kidding me?!  My son having Autism is better than him not having it?  Better for who?  For me?  For him?”  That day as my community discussed the sermon, I just sat there and cried.  I couldn’t even get out in words what I was thinking.  But, that didn’t matter.  My community just stopped everything and prayed for me.

Right at this same time (because God’s timing is like this) I was listening to Crazy Love by Francis Chan.  I remember being on a walk one evening, listening to the book.  I don’t remember which part of the book I was hearing, but I remember thinking “How on earth is Cade having Autism a loving thing for God to do? How is that love?  It isn’t even fair – let alone loving!”  The wrong-ness of it overwhelmed me and I just started running – and if you know me at all, you know it takes a lot to get this girl to run.  I just kept running through the streets of my neighborhood, pleading with God to show me how this was good, how this was loving.

And then, gently but persistently, the Holy Spirit started reminding me of who God is – Creator of a universe more vast than my mind can comprehend; Author of time and life itself; Righteous Judge of all creation; Servant Savoir who gave His life for mine; loving Father who accepted his Son’s sacrifice; Risen King who conquered sin and death.

I remembered the words of Isaiah 40:28 and 29.  “Do you not know?  Have you not heard?  The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.  He will not grow tired and weary and His understanding no one can fathom.”

As I thought about who I know God to be, and as the Holy Spirit reminded me of God’s character, I began to know the peace that passes understanding.

Did I understand why Cade has Autism? No.  Was I glad about it? No.  But I do know that God is good and I can trust Him, even when I don’t understand what He’s doing.   And that through any pain that may come, He is there to comfort me.

Psalm 94:17-19 offered me encouragement then, and continues to even now: “If the LORD had not been my help, my soul would soon have lived in the land of silence.  When I thought ‘my foot slips’ Your steadfast love, O LORD, held me up.  When the cares of my heart of many, your consolations cheer my soul.”

Sharing this with my church family involved a fair amount of tears, and me stopping a few times to try to compose myself.  I say "try to compose myself" because I did try, but wasn't all that successful.  It doesn't matter. Through me falling apart in front of everyone, God still chose to use my story to bring Himself glory.  Really, that's all that matters.  I hope that by my sharing this, He will continue to do just that.

I'm generally not one to ask people to "share" my posts with others, but if you know someone who may be struggling - with a child with special needs, or any other unexpected life circumstance - please consider passing this along.  I know that when we first started our journey on this road, hearing from other moms and families was so powerful and encouraging to me.  Thanks :)

Until next time, my friends.... Live well.
Becky

Absurdity, green beans, chicken, and bananas - it all comes together

I had a realization recently.  I LOVE absurdity!  Anything that's wacky, ridiculous, and way out there in left field - these are the things that can make me laugh even on the most difficult days.  And I love to laugh :)  I guess I just had never thought about it much before, but the other day I was trying to describe one of my favorite TV moments to someone and the best thing I could say about it was that it was completely absurd. This is why I love movies like Airplane!, Monty Python, and any Earnest movie ever made. (Although Earnest Saves Christmas is the best).  It's why I love shows like The Office, Parks and Recreation, 30 Rock, and Raising Hope. Characters like Michael Scott, Burt Chance, and Andy Dwyer don't come along every day.  And let's face it - Maw Maw is in a league of her own.

Real life is just hard sometimes, you know?  So, it's good to leave it behind and enter the world of "anything can happen" and "that just happened".  To laugh at the awkward moments and the zany schemes, knowing that it will somehow all work out in the end - it's a beautiful thing. 

In the times I haven't been reveling in absurdity, I've worked on a couple of recipes I thought I'd share.  Two of them are ones I kind of did on my own (and, yes - they turned out okay!).  The other is from one of my favorite blogs, nomnompaleo.com

Here's the braised beans with tomato and onion.  I was surprised at how easy this was, as well as how tasty it was.  I never really thought about those three things going together, but it worked!  Unlike the orange carrot soup disaster!

Then, I fried up some "chicken fajita filling" - since I wasn't going to eat the tortilla part, I just forked up the chicken and veggies.  I remember not liking peppers in the past, but I really like this dish.  It was also super simple (bonus!).

My second creation was what I'll call "banana nut cookies".  I actually got the idea for the recipe from a post that I've seen floating around Facebook. It wasn't Whole 30, so I made a couple of adjustments and added in a little extra sweetness with some Enjoy Life brand chocolate chips :)

Okay - both of these recipes are super specific.  So, pay attention and follow them to the letter!

Chicken Fajita Filling

Ingredients
- 4 cooked chicken breasts ( I roasted mine)
- 1 tbsp coconut oil
- 1 red pepper
- 1 green pepper
- 1 yellow pepper
- 1 onion
- a few dashes of chili powder
- a few dashes of paprika
- Salt and pepper to taste

1. Cut the peppers and onion into whatever size looks good to you
2.  Cut the chicken into bite size pieces
3.  Heat the coconut oil in a pan
4.  Throw in the peppers and onions for a few minutes
5.  Throw in the chicken and spices
6.  Let it all simmer together for about 10 minutes or so
7. Yum :)

Banana Nut Cookies

Ingredients:

- 3 mashed, ripe bananas
- 1/3 cup apple sauce
- 2 1/2 cups crushed almonds and cashews
- 1/4 cup almond milk
- 1 tsp vanilla
- 1 tsp cinnamon
- some (as much as you want) Enjoy Life chocolate chips

1.  Use a food processor to make your almonds and cashews kind of like a powder.  (They are being used as a substitute for oats - so think that consistency)

2.  Dump all the ingredients in a bowl and mix it up

3.  Place the "dough" on a cookie sheet in cookie-like shapes

4.  Bake at 350 for about 15-20 minutes.  (I think mine took closer to 20)

They come out still a bit soft - but they're good :)

So, how's that for specific?  Just remember, the most important part for both of these is the "throw it all together and mix it around" part. :)

Music of the week:  Despite the fact that I have been listening to all kinds of other music, the Frozen sound track has been firmly stuck in my head at all hours of the day and night.  It seems to have become my brain's default setting.

Until next time, my friends.... Let It Go, Let It Go - no, no - I mean, Live Well!

Becky

Being "those people" - whole food eating on vaca!

My family and I recently went on a sort of mini vacation to a water park themed hotel for a couple of days. We had a blast.  We were water logged, exhausted, and happy by the end of our stay.  However, the trip to provide the challenge of what to eat while we were there.  Of course, there were all kinds of restaurants in and around the hotel.  And, of course, none of these touted a "whole foods/paleo" menu.

We had to decide how rigid we needed to be with our family's eating habits - would we be "those people" who go on vacation and bring their own food?  If it were just my husband and me, I think that we would have "cheated" and not felt too bad about it.  (He did, after all just take me out for my birthday recently and we both enjoyed stuffing our faces with whatever we wanted!).  But, the bigger question revolves around our oldest son who has been diagnosed with Autism.  The paleo diet has helped him in ways we never dreamed.  If you don't know him well, he can basically pass for a "typical kid" - which is a far cry from where he was when we started.  So, for us, sticking to the diet has larger implications than just whether or not our stomachs might feel icky for a day or two.

So, yes- we were "those people".  We brought an entire cooler and food bad with us and used the hotel room's fridge and mircowave to heat up our meals.

What does a family of six take for quick, reheatable meals for their vacation?  Well, here's what we had packed for our water park loving fuel:

- Lots of various nuts and fruits
- Shepherd's pie (basically meatloaf with mashed potatoes on top)
- "Kid Chili" (browned hamburger then simmered in spaghetti sauce, with a little extra tomato sauce and some chili pepper and paprika added in)
- Cauliflower soup
- Oven roasted brussels sprouts and bacon

We did do one "cheat meal" which included getting some hotdogs (no buns!) for the kids to eat in the car after leaving the hotel.  Hey, we're not that crazy. :)

Until next time, my friends.... Live well!

Becky

Thoughts from my thumb

No, my thumb isn't thinking.  I am thinking about my thumb.  Weird, right?  Keep reading...

So I recently injured myself during one of my cooking adventures.  I literally took off part of my thumb while chopping an onion.  Yeah, I know - I'm super coordinated and graceful and all that....

Anyway, as my thumb healed, I was struck by how all kinds of healing can be very similar.  Sometimes in life, we have other types of wounds - wounds in our hearts.  These can be just as painful (sometimes more) than being physically hurt.  It seems to be that the healing process for bodily injury and the wounds of our heart have a lot in common.

- At first, my thumb hurt so much that I just kept it wrapped up all the time.  I didn't let any air get to it at all because even that increased my pain.  When I finally took the bandage off a few days later to let my doctor check on it, it smelled terrible.  Seriously - really bad.  Have you ever had an experience that hurt so much that you could hardly even think abou it -  let alone talk about it?  To bring it out into the open seemed like it would be so painful that you weren't sure if you could stand it?  And all the while, it's there under the surface, hurting and stinking.  It's super hard, but true healing can't happen until the wound has been allowed to see the light of day.

- Just days after I hurt myself, I was ready to be done with the whole thing.  I really wanted my thumb to be better.  I knew that it would eventually heal, but I also knew that this would take time.  But, I didn't want it to take time - I wanted the use of thumb back, and I wanted it NOW!  I didn't want to have to keep taking medicine every few hours just to take the edge off.  I wanted the pain to go away and stay away.  The doctor told me, "It's going to have to heal from the inside out, so it'll be like this for a while."  Right....  The hurts of our hearts also have to heal from the inside out.  And it takes time - more time that we would like usually.  Once we've allowed our wound to be aired out, we want relief.  Maybe we understand it won't be instant relief, but we sure don't want the pain to last any longer that it absolutely has to.  But you can't cheat pain.  And you can't cheat time.

- As my thumb was healing, it went through various stages of looking "okay" to looking "wow- pretty gross".  It's not like it started out bad and just kept looking better and better.  It would look better, then worse again, then better again.  Our other pains are like that, too.  Some days we take a breath and think "I think it's getting better."  Other days, the pain is ugly and overwhelming again.  Healing is not a straight path.

- The night that I injured myself, the ER doctor told me "That part of your thumb and fingernail won't grow back."  Yes, it's a small injury (and I don't want to make it seem like I've lost a limb or something), but still - part of me is now different than it used to be.  When painful things happen to us, it's natural to want to "just go back to normal".  We wish we could erase the pain, "move on", or "get over it."  The truth is, painful things change us.  We can't go back to how life was before it happened.  We are different now.  It doesn't have to be a bad thing or a good thing - it just is the way it is.   

 - Update!  So, I started this blog post a couple of weeks ago.  My thumb still looked really bad and was obviously missing part of itself.  Well, the healing has continued and I'm happy to report that things are looking better than I'd imaged they would.  My thumb in "rounding out" nicely, so it no longer looks flat on one side.  And the nail is actually starting grow back.  So here's the thing - the above paragraph is no less true - pain changes us.  AND sometimes it doesn't change us as much as we thought it would.  Sometimes, the part of our lives we thought we wouldn't get back, ends up unexpectedly returning to us. 

I'm glad my thumb is healing.  It's so amazing to have the use of it back again.  Although, I was getting pretty good at the "pointer finger - middle finger  claw grasp".  :)

We all have our pains and hurts that we carry around with us.  This is just the stuff of life.  My prayer for all of you is that you give your hurts a chance to heal.  Nothing is hopeless.  It may not be a walk in the park, but it's not hopeless. 

Until next time, my friends........ Live well

Becky

Something new... Baked Salmon!

We are not fish eaters at my house.  Andy's motto when it comes to seafood is "If it's from the sea, it's not for me."  I grew up with my dad saying "When they find a fish that tastes like steak, I'll eat it."  The only "seafood" I used to eat was fish sticks (heavy on the tartar sauce) and popcorn shrimp (heavy on the breading).

But I'm always hearing how good for you fish is.  Several of the blogs that I frequent have a whole section on sea food recipes. So, I decided that maybe I'm missing out.  If nothing else, fish really is healthy and it gives a little bit of variety to a meat-heavy diet.

This week, I decided to jump in with both feet and try a salmon recipe.  This Lemon Dill Salmon was very easy to make.  The hardest part was wrapping up the parchment paper the right way.  It definitely looked very "professional". 

I had a taste test as soon as I took them out of the oven.  I can't tell yet if I like it.  It's just different.  I think my taste buds were wondering "What is this?" and weren't sure what to make of it.  I still might end up drowning it in tartar sauce, but that doesn't take away from the nutritional value, right?

Then, to be on the safe side, I tried this new Sweet Potato Chili.   

Disclaimer:  The picture from the website loods about 100  times better than my picture, so don't let mine deter you!

 I didn't have avocado to top it with, but still scooped myself a bowl for lunch today.  My taste buds knew exactly was to do with this one - rejoice!  It was awesome!!  I had to hold myself back from eating about three helping right then and there.  I might have a new favorite.

I'll have to let you all know how the fish-eating works out this week and how much tartar sauce was used :)

Music of the week:  My wonderful husband made a Pandora station for me that was based on Tub-Thumping (after he got done mocking me).  I enjoyed Matchbox 20, Bare Naked Ladies, Goo Goo Dolls, Wallflowers, Third Eye Blind, and so many more!!  It all brought me back to days of singing at the top of my lungs in the car with friends, sunny days at the pool, backstage before a show, and the days of not knowing just how good I really had it.  It was a fun day :)

Until next time, my friends..... Live well.

Becky