Autism and Trusting God

It's been a while since I posted.  The addition of kid #5 this summer has taken up most of any down time I used to have.  Even now, she's on my lap - drooling on the keyboard and trying to grab my hands while I type.  She's barely napped today - why isn't she tired?  I am.  Anyway - that's why I haven't posted lately.  But, I felt like this was important, so I forced myself to make time for it.  Hopefully, I'll be back to regular posts eventually. :)

I recently shared with my church the experience that our family went through a few years ago when our oldest son was diagnosed with Autism.  Afterward, several people said that they were encouraged by hearing my experience.  So, I thought I would share it here, too.  If it can be an encouragement to someone else, then great.  I trust that God will use it as He wants to.

Here it goes....

At age 3 1/2, our oldest son, Cade, was diagnosed with Autism.  My response at first was generally matter of fact. “Okay, let’s learn how to live with this.”  Not long after, Nathan (my pastor) preached a sermon on 2 Corinthians 12:1-10, where Paul describes pleading with the Lord to take away the thorn in his side. One of the things Nathan pointed out in that sermon was that God had given Paul the thorn in order to keep him from being conceited – that whatever the thorn was, was not as bad as what would have happened without it.  Nathan said that, sometimes there are thorns in our lives that are painful, but better for us than life without that pain.  I remember thinking, “Really?! Are you kidding me?!  My son having Autism is better than him not having it?  Better for who?  For me?  For him?”  That day as my community discussed the sermon, I just sat there and cried.  I couldn’t even get out in words what I was thinking.  But, that didn’t matter.  My community just stopped everything and prayed for me.

Right at this same time (because God’s timing is like this) I was listening to Crazy Love by Francis Chan.  I remember being on a walk one evening, listening to the book.  I don’t remember which part of the book I was hearing, but I remember thinking “How on earth is Cade having Autism a loving thing for God to do? How is that love?  It isn’t even fair – let alone loving!”  The wrong-ness of it overwhelmed me and I just started running – and if you know me at all, you know it takes a lot to get this girl to run.  I just kept running through the streets of my neighborhood, pleading with God to show me how this was good, how this was loving.

And then, gently but persistently, the Holy Spirit started reminding me of who God is – Creator of a universe more vast than my mind can comprehend; Author of time and life itself; Righteous Judge of all creation; Servant Savoir who gave His life for mine; loving Father who accepted his Son’s sacrifice; Risen King who conquered sin and death.

I remembered the words of Isaiah 40:28 and 29.  “Do you not know?  Have you not heard?  The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth.  He will not grow tired and weary and His understanding no one can fathom.”

As I thought about who I know God to be, and as the Holy Spirit reminded me of God’s character, I began to know the peace that passes understanding.

Did I understand why Cade has Autism? No.  Was I glad about it? No.  But I do know that God is good and I can trust Him, even when I don’t understand what He’s doing.   And that through any pain that may come, He is there to comfort me.

Psalm 94:17-19 offered me encouragement then, and continues to even now: “If the LORD had not been my help, my soul would soon have lived in the land of silence.  When I thought ‘my foot slips’ Your steadfast love, O LORD, held me up.  When the cares of my heart of many, your consolations cheer my soul.”

Sharing this with my church family involved a fair amount of tears, and me stopping a few times to try to compose myself.  I say "try to compose myself" because I did try, but wasn't all that successful.  It doesn't matter. Through me falling apart in front of everyone, God still chose to use my story to bring Himself glory.  Really, that's all that matters.  I hope that by my sharing this, He will continue to do just that.

I'm generally not one to ask people to "share" my posts with others, but if you know someone who may be struggling - with a child with special needs, or any other unexpected life circumstance - please consider passing this along.  I know that when we first started our journey on this road, hearing from other moms and families was so powerful and encouraging to me.  Thanks :)

Until next time, my friends.... Live well.
Becky